Welcome to issue #34 of The Gents Weekly, a newsletter for the modern man.
New issues every Monday. Brought to you by the men of Gents Journey — Dean Bokhari, Stephen Seidel, and Matt McManus.
📝 THE MESSAGE
A timely piece from the gents.
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On overcoming fear
by Dean Bokhari
Some of my fondest memories as a young kid were the summers I spent at a water park called Splish Splash, on Long Island, NY. I remember the first time I went; my older cousins wanted me to go on this really tall water slide called “The Cliff Hanger”.
I was scared shitless… Dropping 8-stories in 3 seconds down a water slide called “The Cliff Hanger” wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when we were on our way to the water park.
Needless to say, I gave in to the peer pressure. And so, there I was, climbing stair after stair; story after story, trying my best to think of something — anything — to help me overcome this fear that seemed to be engulfing my entire body.
By the time we got to the very top of the speed-slide, I’d already seen 6 people—men, women, and children—chicken out. Sometimes the people climbing up the stairs clucked like chickens at the ones who’d decided to take the walk of shame all the way back down to the bottom. (I probably would’ve thought that was funny if I wasn’t thinking about doing the same thing.)
As I approached the very top of the slide, I was making excuses about how cold and windy it was to cover up the fact that I was now shaking in my swimming trunks. It was 96°F outside. Once we got up top, I looked over the edge of the rails, all the way down to the bottom of the 8-story slide.
My stomach turned… Now I was really freaking out. It was like I couldn’t help it. My heart was racing. My legs were shaking. And I was trying my best to pretend like none of it was happening.
BUT IT WAS HAPPENING — I was filled with fear, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. So, how’d I overcome the fear and build the confidence to go down that slide once and for all?
I actually didn’t overcome the fear. But I did go down that damn slide.
Even though I was scared out of my mind when I got up to the top of that slide, I mustered up a way to feel the fear and do it anyway. And ya know what? I did it again and again after that. I was nervous on every run. But I did it anyway. Eventually, the fear subsided (a little bit).
You know that feeling you get when you look down from the edge of a building that’s really, really high? … You know you’re safe, but you feel a little anxious nonetheless. As it turns out, this is a biological response our bodies produce to protect us from harm.
Think about it — millions of years ago, we didn’t have the pleasure of looking down at a city from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
The closest thing we had to that was a cliff. And back before buildings and skyscrapers — when we were nothing more than hunters and gatherers — looking down from somewhere high wasn’t usually a good thing…
Back then, if you were up against a cliff, it’s usually because you’re trying to figure out how to: a) stay alive, or b) find food.
And our bodies would respond accordingly to help us make that happen (to make the kill, or get away from becoming the kill).
Bottom line: fear is a good thing.
In fact, it’s a perfectly natural biological response that’s actually there to help us.
Let me give you a couple examples:
For our ancestors, fear USED to look like this: “If I don’t take immediate action, then this lion will rip me to shreds”
For you and me, fear NOW looks more like this: “If I don’t take immediate action, then my wife will divorce my ass.” or like this: “If I don’t start doing what I love for a living, right now while I’m still young enough to do so, then I’ll live the rest of my life in regret.”
In more practical terms…
The most effective way to overcome fear is to cultivate the courage to take action in spite of how afraid you may be.
So feel the fear.
Then do the thing you’re afraid of.
Something good will almost always come of it.
— Dean Bokhari
Co-founder, Gents Journey
👊 THE MOVES
Media for men.
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Bring Fear Along for the Ride
Watch: Why you should define your fears instead of your goals
You will never outrun fear.
Why not bring it along for the ride?
Growing up, I had ear surgery seven times, and I remember coming home during Christmas breaks and sitting in pain while watching TV for several weeks at a time.
Along the way, I developed white coat syndrome. That’s when your blood pressure and stress begin to rise when you see a doctor or their white lab coat. The second I saw a doctor coming, my chest would tighten up, and my anxiety would skyrocket.
Perhaps you freeze up the same way when fear shows up in your life too?
F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real.
Eventually I learned to deal with it by building my own private happy place: an island in Hawaii. That was my late mother's favorite destination, where we once spent Thanksgiving together at Disney's Aulani.
When I sat in the office, I would visualize being on the sunny shores of Oahu, and I’d immediately relax and start thinking more positively. I let go and gave it to God.
What's your happy place?
Name the Voice in Your Head
What lives underneath fear? A story.
It’s the narrative that plays consistently inside your mind, such as "I'm not good enough," or "you don't deserve this.”
As a people pleaser, that story played on repeat, even though I knew it wasn’t true, until a mentor suggested giving it a name. And so I did.
I decided to call the voice in my head, “People Pleasing Peter.”
Your inner monologue only wants to be heard, and instead of listening to it, you can acknowledge it and bring it along for the ride.
Try this:
Name the voice in your head. It loses power when named.
Ask if it's rational. Sometimes fear is a story you’re telling yourself.
Feel it, don't fight it. Let the energy move through you instead of clenching against it. Envision your happy place.
Breathe it out. Find where it lives in your body, hold your hand there, and release it. Take 2 quick breaths in and one long one out.
Some fear is real, whether it’s life or death. But most of it is just a story we made up.
Exercise Your Fear Muscle
Tim Ferriss suggests treating fear like a muscle in The 4-Hour Workweek.
Fear is something you train, not wait out or avoid altogether.
Try one thing a day that scares you a little to get better at it.
Connect with that colleague you’ve been meaning to say hello to.
Tell the person at the counter that you like their eyes or smile.
Go out and sign up for that class you’ve been “waiting to try.”
Nike said it best: three words is all it takes to overcome fear.
Or as Tony Robbins says, "If you're not growing, you're dying."
Oddly enough, when I started The Seidel Agency, my first clients were plastic surgeons. As a child, I was once terrified of doctors and their white lab coats, and now I’m helping them and their patients live alongside fear, instead of running from it.
What do you call the voice in your head?
Comment below and share its name and your happy place.
— Stephen Seidel
Co-founder, Gents Journey
🔗 MEANINGFUL MENTIONS + MAGIC LINKS
Fun stuff you’ll dig about our theme of the week.
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✨ PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY
Until next week,
—The Gents
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