The Connect Couple's Communication Course Part 3/3

The final part of the 3-part training program designed to help you + your wife transform conflict into connection.

Welcome back, Gents!

I’ve got a quick (and exciting) announcement before we dive into the final part of the Connect course:

The first LIVE Gents Journey Men’s Meeting is happening this Thursday!

Details 👇

Join The First Live Gents Journey Men’s Meeting

• Date: Thursday, November 13th, 2025

• Time: 9:00am-10:00am (PT) / 12:00pm–1:00pm (ET)

• Meeting link: gentsjourney.co/meet
  The link above will take you straight to the Gents Journey Men’s Meeting Zoom room. Just click it when it’s time for the meeting.

• Add the details to your calendar now—there’s no cost to attend. Learn more about our Men’s Meetings here.

Welcome back to the Connect Couple’s Communication Course!

Here’s what we’ve covered so far:

Part I. Understanding One Another

1. Clarify Values

2. Define Your Marriage

3. Know Your Partner’s Communication Style

4. Know Your Partner’s Love Language

Part II. Preventing Minor Conflicts From Turning into Major Fights

5. Be Aware of the Animal Brain

6. Diffuse and Alleviate

7. Compassionate Communication or No Communication

8. It Takes Five Positives to Eliminate One Negative

Now, here’s what we’re covering in Part III — the final part of this couple’s communication course…

Part III.
Transforming Conflict into Connection

In this module, you’ll learn about how to turn conflicts into moments of connection. But before we dive into the lessons, it’s important to understand the power of reframing how we perceive conflicts and disagreements in the first place…

For example, many of us believe that disagreements are destructive/negative, but that doesn’t lead to positive interactions with your partner. These beliefs are usually due to our own personal experiences in which disagreements were handled in an unhealthy way.

But in strong and nurturing relationships, differences are actually embraced.

It’s far more helpful to reframe what we believe about disagreements by thinking of them as opportunities to learn about our partner’s needs.

Bottom line: Disagreements are very normal and very healthy.

Here’s what we’re covering in this final part of the program:

9. Five Causes of Conflict

10. The Seven Rules of Couples’ Communication

11. Compromise vs Transformize

12. Conclusion

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Lesson 9.
Five Causes of Conflict

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The Five Causes of Conflict in Marriage • by Dean + Amna Bokhari

Marriage conflicts can be drilled down to one or more of the following reasons. During a conflict (after your animal brain has calmed down), the first step is to identify which of the following reasons best describes how you are feeling:

1. Failure: This is when something our partner said or did made us feel like a “failure”. For example: When Dean criticizes behavior in our children, sometimes my ego makes me feel like I have failed in parenting, and thus I am made to feel like a failure.

2. Control: Control is a trigger for both of us. We both are alphas in many ways and do not like to be controlled. This can take an example of trying to dictate your partner’s every move during your day out in DisneyLand.

3. Disconnected: This is something we struggled with a lot as we both are very ambitious about our careers. This got in the way of our ability to connect with each other, because after the hustle and bustle of the ordinary day, we would then be busy with our own to do lists or work. Our conversations used to be mostly around the agenda for the week and important tasks or news that needed our attention that day. Disconnection is what happens when you don’t have any idle time alone together. Those little pockets to talk or share random occurrences of your day.

4. Rejected: Our need to belong is an important human need. This need is threatened when we feel rejected. This can bring deep sadness and rage. This can be caused when our partner does not accept an important value of ours… such as our family member, a religion, our career, our life choices, etc.

5. Devalued: This is when we don’t feel seen for what we are doing every day or at that moment. This one is something Dean and I are both working on because we can inadvertently make the other feel devalued by failing to notice what each of us is doing. For instance, I would come home from a hard day with the kids and Dean would ask why the dishes are not washed yet?! Or Dean would have a super hectic week at work and then I would cram the weekend with family activities and then complain that he doesn’t want to do anything fun.

Exercise

Next time you have a conflict with your partner, drill down to find out which of the 5 categories describes it best. Then, use that to describe how you are feeling in your communication.

For example:

“When I heard you say, ‘I wish you would just keep the house clean’, I felt like I was being failure at maintaining our home.”

Your partner may then help you realize that that wasn’t what they were trying to say at all—which may then help you both identify some of your own insecurities and create opportunities for more effective communication in the future.

It may also create an opportunity for your partner to apologize and start working on their 5:1 ratio to makeup for this one negative interaction!

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Lesson 10.
The Seven Rules of Couples’ Communication

The Seven Rules of Couples’ Communication • by Dean + Amna Bokhari

Rule #1. You can’t do a don’t

Telling Dean something like, “You don’t make me feel valued,” is ineffective because he can’t do anything with that statement. It’s more effective for me to give him a specific “do” statement instead, like “When people compliment our kids, my ego needs to hear you say ‘thanks to my wife and everything she does.’”