Welcome to issue #35 of The Gents Weekly, a newsletter for the modern man.
New issues every Monday. Brought to you by the men of Gents Journey — Dean Bokhari, Stephen Seidel, and Matt McManus.
📝 THE MESSAGE
A timely piece from the gents.
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New beginnings
by Dean Bokhari
I took off my shirt and stood in front of the mirror. At 19 years old, I was overweight and out of shape. I was sick of being chubby and soft. I was sick of feeling tired all the time. I was sick of having no confidence. Truth be told, my whole life was a mess - and I was absolutely ashamed of myself about it.
And here’s the worst part: I had done this to myself.
I, and I alone, was responsible for what I’d let myself become.
No one to blame but me, myself, and I.
As I stood there in front of my mirror and looked at my soft, pudgy body, I felt disgusted with myself. I had man-boobs… man-boobs!
It was a painful feeling.
But something happened for me in that moment, something shifted…
I looked at myself and said out loud,
“Enough is ENOUGH! It’s time to change!”
All my emotions welled up inside me, and I kept yelling, “Enough is enough!”
I was ready to take on the challenge of changing my physical state.
That night, I decided to change…
I knew it would be hard.
I knew it would be painful.
But in that moment, I also knew that I could do it.
And eventually, I did.
Fast forward a couple decades to today, and I can still remember that moment, both vividly and viscerally…
Because it taught me that I was capable of doing anything—but it was up to me to make it happen.
Now, whenever I’m faced with challenges, trials and tribulations, rather than complaining about them or allowing the victim-mentality to take hold, I choose to believe this challenge is here to help me become better.
I choose to believe there’s a better version of me on the other side of every challenge I’m forced to deal with.
And once I decide to use my problem as an opportunity to learn what I’m made of—rather than an opportunity to complain and wallow in my own misery…
A powerful, two-part shift occurs:
The first part of this shift is mental: on the other side of this problem, there’s a better version of me. This first mental shift then leads to shift number two…
The second part of this shift is physical, which says: Now that I know this problem/pain/challenge is an opportunity to grow, what are the physical ACTIONS I need to take to make that growth happen?
It takes the same amount of energy to stress yourself out thinking about your problems as it does to make a definite decision to DO something about them…
Deciding to fix your problems will move you towards an eventual solution—if you take action.
But thinking about why you don’t have what you want, or wondering why bad things “always” happen to you, will get you nowhere but backward.
Problems are a good thing; solving them makes you happy.
Actionable insights
1. THINK ABOUT A MAJOR CHANGE YOU WANT TO MAKE.
Think about a major change you want to make, a problem you want to solve within the next 12 months. Maybe you took a big financial hit recently and want to turn things around. Maybe you put on some weight and want to get in the shape of your life. Maybe you want to launch that business you’ve been dreaming about starting. Whatever it is, envision it now.
2. BE BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT IT.
Don’t say, “I’m feeling the burdens of financial strain.”
If you’re suffering financially, admit it to yourself and say so!
Don’t say, “I’m looking a tad bit out of shape.”
Say, “I AM FAT!” Stand in front of the mirror, strip off your clothes, and look at yourself—how does it make you feel? If you look like a sloth and feel like a sloth, then admit you’re a sloth!
The idea here is NOT to make yourself feel bad.
The purpose of being brutally honest with yourself is to make it emotional and painful enough such that it will inspire you to change.
3. MAKE THE SHIFT FROM VICTIM TO HERO.
Once you’ve faced the reality of your situation, it’s crucial you don’t allow yourself to become a victim of your circumstances. Reality is reality! But you can change your reality if you choose to DO something about it. Take responsibility. YOU are in charge. YOU are powerful.
For example: if you’ve admitted to yourself that you’ve allowed yourself to get fat, don’t sit there and say, “It’s a lost cause,” and eat more cookies. STAND UP and tell yourself that YOU are in charge and the time to change is NOW.
Envision yourself working hard and turning things around.
Envision yourself getting into better and better shape.
Envision yourself in peak physical condition.
Now, you have:
a painful reason to change, which PUSHES you away from your current state, and
a positive reason to change, which PULLS you in the direction you want to go.
4. MAKE A PLAN, WORK THE PLAN.
You’ve got your problem, and you’ve been brutally honest about it. You’ve shifted your mental paradigm from “I’m a victim” to “I’m the hero”. And you’ve envisioned yourself working hard and achieving success.
Now, it’s time to take action.
What’s the result you’re aiming for?
If your problem were solved, what would it look like?
Answer these questions and you’ll end up with a goal.
Once you’ve got your goal, it’s time to make a plan and begin taking action.
When I was overweight and unhealthy, I set a goal to get down to a single-digit body fat percentage. I was a chubby mess when I set that goal. I didn’t know how I’d get there.
But I had a target, which meant I could start.
To achieve that goal, I had to start an exercise habit, I had to clean up my diet, and I had to stop spending time with people who didn’t support my vision.
It took a lot of time and a ton of hard work, but I took small steps daily and, one day, I looked at myself in the mirror and I no longer saw rolls—I saw muscles…
The version of myself I envisioned in my mind 12 months earlier was no longer in my mind, it was in my reality.
It was a pivotal and powerful moment.
In that moment, I realized I could change practically anything in my life:
I went from unhealthy to peak health,
from bankrupt to millionaire,
from doing work I hated to meaningful work that fulfills me.
And you can do it too:
Think about a major change you want to make within the next 12 months and write it down.
Be brutally honest with yourself about it.
Make the mental shift from victim to hero.
Make a plan, work the plan. Set this goal into motion by writing down ONE thing you can do within the next 24 hours to get the ball rolling. Even if it’s as tiny as making a phone call or firing off an email or visiting a website. Never leave the sight of a new goal without doing at least one thing (no matter how small) to put it into motion.
— Dean Bokhari
Co-founder, Gents Journey
📰 THE MOMENT
Sh*t that’s happening now, ICYMI
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New Chapters
Hey, it’s Matt McManus from Gents Journey. I usually drop an AI prompt for you guys every week, but this one’s different. At our Monday meeting this week, we noticed something. All around us, chapters are changing. And here’s the thing: A life is only as interesting as its chapters. Society tells you there are five main ones. High school graduation. College graduation. Marriage. Kids. Retirement. But what they don’t prepare you for are the unexpected chapters. An illness. A death. A job change. A relationship ending. Change is inevitable, and chapters get handed to you whether you’re ready or not.
When a chapter arrives and reshuffles everything, you have to know what to do. So I’m going to tell you exactly what that looks like. First, how to reflect. Second, how to reclaim yourself. Third, the daily practices that actually work. And fourth, why time is always the answer.
First: Reflect. Literally and figuratively. Look at yourself in the mirror. Really see yourself.
This isn’t about worthiness. It’s about realizing you are eternally lovable and you’re worth sharing your life with others. It sounds strange, and trust me it is, but just look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself, five times. You may not even like it, at first. It may feel strange, but it changes the way your brain sees well, you.
Second: Think about who you are in this moment.
What do you want to wear? How do you identify with you? What do you like to do socially? What are the objects you keep around that are no longer serving you? You must canvas your life to find the people, places, or things that make you, feel like you.
Get brave. Get out of your comfort zone. If you’re scared of heights, try rock climbing. Because on the other side of fear, on the other side of what you’re avoiding, everything shifts.
Then you feel different. You are different.
Third: Do the daily practices.
There are simple, cliche things you can do every single day to engage with yourself while you’re moving through a chapter.
Journaling. Prayer. Meditation. And at the forefront of all of it? Exercise.
I designed a Workout through many chapters of my own life. It’s not just about getting stronger physically. It’s about fighting through a difficult moment with brilliance. When you change your body, you strengthen your mind and your heart.
There’s something about resilience and resistance in working out that helps you move from one chapter to the next.
Fourth: Remember that time is the answer.
When you arrive at the next chapter, you won’t notice it at first. That’s by design. Time is the architect. Time is always the answer.
If this chapter is difficult, it will pass. And healing, real healing, can be an enjoyable experience.
Once you become your own best friend. Once you have a relationship with yourself, your higher power if that’s your thing, your family, and your past. That’s when you become a superhero in your own life.
I’ve lived this. Multiple times. This isn’t hyperbole. This is real.
And if you’re reading this right now and you’re at a new chapter, whether it’s hard or beautiful, know this.
You are worthy of a brilliantly enjoyable life.
But it takes work.
At Gents Journey, we’re always observing our experience so we can share it with other men going through their own moment of difficulty or bliss, and all the chapters in between those polarities.
Mini chapters come for all of us. Job changes. Goodbyes. Shifts we didn’t see coming.
Even if you’re not experiencing something right now, one day things will change. When they do, you need to know the tactics to move through gracefully. With a smile on your face.
That’s what we’re here to address.
And we believe in you.
👊 THE MOVES
Media for men.
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Rewrite the Story, Your Life Depends on it
Watch: The Hidden Power of Grief
What are you holding onto?
What are you attached to? Your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or even the fact that you deserve a raise?
Growing up, society teaches us it’s all about consumption, accumulation, and attachments.
More money.
More friends
More success.
But what happens when you lose it? Whether it’s your job, a loved one, or a relationship, at some point, you will lose something near and dear to your heart. That’s when life hits you in the face and hands you a gift.
Instead of holding on to past patterns, unhealthy relationships, or the stories you’ve told yourself, you are given the gift of choosing how you will move forward: victim mindset or growth mindset.
Loosen Your Grip
Right now I’m planning fall break, and I keep revisiting last year’s trip to Dollywood. This year will probably be more crowded, as many pay homage to Dolly. RIP.
The Lightning Rod was the first ride my daughter wanted me to ride with her. I have a confession: I’m afraid of heights. So as we climbed up, I held on with everything I had, with my eyes closed.
I told myself, “If I don’t let go, I’ll make it out alive. Otherwise, I just might end up dead.” And it sure felt that way.
But really it was just a story I was telling myself so I could feel safe.
Too often in life we tell ourselves many stories to feel safe, and it limits our ability to grow. When we’re handed a new chapter - a relationship or opportunity - we hold on too tight, too.
But the only way to really grow and move past hard experiences is to loosen our grip. When you’re given a new chapter, the healthiest way forward is to let go.
Instead of closing our “eyes”, open our “I’s” and take ownership to be present.
Uncover Your Heart
Too often we are led by our brains, or by those around us, instead of by our hearts, especially when it comes to what really matters as change lands on our doorstep.
Use today to reflect. Ask yourself:
What are you afraid to share with others?
What takes your attention as soon as you awake? Or keeps you up at night?
What would crush you if you lost it?
Take inventory of where you are holding on for dear life, and where you’re finding purpose, as they’re often closely connected.
When I lost my mother, it felt like my life had reached a dark place, and I didn’t know what to do. I imagine others have felt similarly after losing a parent.
A friend once said, “You’re never really a man until you lose your father.”
What I didn’t realize was that she had given me something else: the gift of connection and an opportunity to use that moment to deliver an even greater impact.
Without that moment, we wouldn’t have Gents Journey, or be sharing these newsletters to impact your lives too.
She helped me reconnect to my own heart, rebuild a sense of community with Gents Journey, and reclaim my purpose: To Do Good. Give Back, and Make an Impact.
What can you let go of as this next chapter begins?
When we build our lives around circumstances, people, places, or ideas, they’re bound to collapse eventually. That’s when pain arrives to give us the gift of character, resilience, and hope, as we step into our purpose and the new chapter that has been waiting for us all along.
As Haruki Murakami once said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
What’s the ‘story’ you’ve been telling yourself? That chapter has closed.
Try this: Put your hand over your heart. Then open it and let it go. Let that ‘story’ fall by the wayside and float down to the ground, like the leaves of an autumn breeze.
Release the expectations, the stories, and the need to feed your ego.
Turn the page to open up your next chapter.
Say to yourself: “I love myself, and I’m ready for this next chapter.”
If you’re brave enough, comment below and share what came up for you. Then send this to a friend or loved one who could benefit from hearing this too.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us in this community. You helped me turn the page in my life, and for that, I’m forever grateful. I love you, Mom, and miss you.
— Stephen Seidel
Co-founder, Gents Journey
PS: Here’s the tattoo I got to honor my mom, so now she’s with me every day.
🔗 MEANINGFUL MENTIONS + MAGIC LINKS
Fun stuff you’ll dig about our theme of the week.
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We are planning a new group meeting in October to welcome all new members.
Until next week,
—The Gents
Inspired? Share this newsletter with another Gent you think it could help.